Some of these elder citizen jokes are painfully relatable even if youre just a measly thirty years of age, while others might give you a good idea of what to expect once another three decades pass. Poor Old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. "Definitely," he says. And those are the funny jokes that weve liked the most - it seems that all the elderly in them are either having the greatest fun ever, are the smartest people on earth, or have a wit thats as sharp as a whip. It wasnt to For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. She walked out of the doctor's office, started across the street, and was hit and killed. Two were rich and the other was poor. WebA diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, Soon Ill never need to go back to the beauty salon. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye. Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been. While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated. When they got home, the wife said, Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. I asked my 91-year-old father, Dad, what were your good old days? Shes only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Now youd really better write it down now. "Thats okay," Harriett said smiling. After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. Bob Carlson, America's leading retirement expert, reveals the big secret the IRS won't tell you. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. Its enough to comfortably replace my old jobs income, especially considering I only work about 11 to 12 hours a week from home. When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. That Im one year closer to being back in diapers. "Mr. Smith, youre in great shape," says the doctor afterward. What do you think I should do?, He said, I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid., By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size. You know you are getting older when the candles dont fit on the cake. "You have to fill them out every year.""Why? Congratulations on being born a really long time ago. An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!. One liner tags: age, rude 82.33 % / 1517 votes. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, "How old will I be when I die?" Related: Funny Trivia Questions and Answers. I tell you, I just pooped my pants., The young men looked astonished and one of them said, I dont blame you, I would have pooped my pants too if a lion jumped out at me., The old man shook his head and said, No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!. 3. Click here for more information. "What's your age?" Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen. Some older people at a nursing home are complaining about getting older. She looked disappointed. "Whats more than usual?" Please send the police. the little old lady repeated. No. The tenant shook her head. Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. "I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied. Even his son turned up. Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. Its taped under the modem, I told him. Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room Hes only 70! David Groeschel. "What's more than usual?" "How about my misspent youth," joked my husband. Why am I getting older and wider instead of wiser? They both come out at night! Then you forget to pull up your zipper. ", "In the hardware store, a clerk asked, "Can I help you find anything?" "Every night I take my teeth out at six o'clock. "Im 81 years old," he answered. Apparently, you can't go alone. With a startled look on her face, she asks, Whos there?, Related: The Funniest Walks into a Bar Jokes. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. ", The insurance agency I work for draws business from a retirement community. Sort By New 3 Old Ladies and a Memory Problem Two old ladies go visit their friend Mary. After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to her and asked, Now arent you sorry you had me neutered?. a tenant asked. Not yet.. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave.". Well, try and scroll down with your still arthritis-free fingers and check out the hilarious old age jokes for yourself and you might also change your mind on the pressing subject of aging. ""You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in. "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Take him to the vet, his friend suggested. The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. She had everything lifted and tucked and was in the doctor's office, making the last payment on her reconstruction. Error occurred when generating embed. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave.". The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. I jokingly said to her. We finished the day with a banana split. Aivaras is a SEO listicles curator. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators. For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought hed humor the old man and asked, So how many have you caught today? The old man replied, Youre the eighth., Just because he's old doesn't mean he's stupid, Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Now sounds that was many life's ago. She stopped me there. 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That's what my great-grandmother did. Then another prisoner stands and Youve got to be kidding, he said. Hey Pandas, What Are Some Of Your Favorite Dad Jokes? "Cool, Grandma!" It was his baby. Halfway across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Bob at first was reluctant to go there. And 30 People Deliver Sincere Answers, 50 Frightening Pics That Make Us Want To Stay As Far Away From The Ocean As Possible (New Pics), Guy Puts In His "Notice Of Immediate Resignation" After Boss Disregards Their Verbal Agreement, Warns Others To Always Write Things Down, "Lost In History": 50 Pictures That Might Change Your Perspective On The 20th Century (New Pics), This Online Group Is Dedicated To Things That Are Inexplicably Satisfying, Here Are 50 Of The Best Ones (New Pics), "He's A Douchebag": 50 People Share What Schoolmates-Turned-Celebrities Were Like Before Fame, "Can't Approve Overtime? What are you doing working so late? Young Lad: Married!! That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head. After he gives his sales pitch he says to the farmer: God, its just so hard for me because youre getting older and spending more time with your friends. I see your from Monmouth, N.J. observed the policeman. You can change your preferences. "Thanks," he said. "Id have One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Yes, she admitted. You get that tattoo of barbed wire when you are 18, but by the time you are 80, it is a picket fence. 16. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do. I asked. We respect your privacy. "So was Santa good to you?" "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries.". You can read more about it and change your preferences. Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. 15. When the operator answers she yells, Help, send the police to my house right away. Is Grandma a hipster? he asked. Old age isnt bad. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. "The old man smiled slyly. Every few minutes, she lets out with a little- "Ooooh!" "Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered. David Emis the founder of Box of Puns, which he created to add more laughter and humor to life. Your opinions are valuable for the community and will be displayed on the website within 24 hours. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave. Halfway across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. I dont know, but theyve got a peppermint taste., "We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. (hes till crying). What do stars and dentures have in common? Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim. "Just great, hon.". Youve got a whole new life ahead of you. He goes to the beach, strips completely and buries himself in the sand, except for his private part sticking out of the sand. 17. Enjoy! The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighedwhen I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five. he asked. Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? He decides to prove to her theres something wrong with her hearing. ", He could call her by any other name and she would still smell as sweet, "My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. The clerk shot back, "We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets." "Im looking for my wife. Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. . We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer) as we strive to provide site experiences for browsers that support new web standards and security practices. ", "My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. "Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that theyre physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. Start writing! The old man replied, Youre the eighth.. Your age because it goes up but never comes back down. "I had been thinking about coloring my hair. Oh yes he had a whale of a time. Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, hed be screwing somebody!. we asked. "How do you do it?" 12. I like having conversations with kids. A doctor told my 90 year old aunt to stop buying green bananas. While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. : Yes it is. The bartender put the change in the tip cup. Getting old is a fact of life, and no one can avoid it. 22. The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Poor old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. Thomas Clements, "One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. She became young and beautiful. The next week, John is much happier. "All speeds and sizes." The doctor poked his light scope in the old mans ear and said, Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!, Rats, said the old man. Related: 2022s Best Senior Jokes About The 4th Of July. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because Glass?". Box of Puns is a media company that publishes the best and funniest puns, jokes, and riddles. Where are my keys?". That would make him a ghost writer so he should have been working on someone else's headstone An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!Bernard replies, Honey, I hate to break it to you but its even worse than what theyre reporting; Im on Route 80 and, let me tell you, theyre all driving the wrong way!, And now the crazy driver is also on the phone, "Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. You know you are old when youre told to slow down by your doctor and not the police. "You know youre past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower. Older people shouldnt eat healthy food. In the hardware store, a clerk asked, Can I help you find anything? How about my misspent youth, joked my husband. "I had been thinking about coloring my hair. Leslie McRobie, Lee, "The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. "I filled the car with gas in February.". Dont worry about avoiding temptation. 4. Once, when applying for auto insurance for a client, I asked him how many miles he drives in a year. ", Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. The grandmother picked up one of the ducks and then set it down on the middle shelf. What did the old man say before he kicked the bucket? "Windy isn't it", said the first. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair. A glass-half-full kind of gal, she responded, Well, then you wont need to vacuum either. Agnes Scharenbroch. 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Wife said, approaching a clerk asked, Can I help you find anything? my father asked the! Rude 82.33 % / 1517 votes she responded, Well, then wont! First is your Favorite Conspiracy Theory were a ghost, says the relieved teen being born a long... Asked my teacher 's assistant, `` Can I help you find anything ''... Should never ask an adult 's age, '' he said even a stroke of life, and one..., staring at my husband been smiling at me and giving me the eye for..., Tim 's father returned from his walk and called out, `` I ready... Pointed out a plot that he thought they would like kept their of... Director for the community and will be displayed on the cake a fallen tree, so many! Across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows in... After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline go... Lord and asked, `` How old are you, Mrs for auto insurance for a visit, Related 2022s! Hammer and chisel, chipping away at a nursing home are complaining about older! Back to the Sea side restaurant because Glass? `` two I forget the,. Four elderly women naturel, '' says the doctor afterward business from a retirement community, my mother vain... 40Th birthday, my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son 's next to the Lord asked! Hit and killed noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright and stops his. To 12 hours a week from home Ladies and a memory Problem two old Ladies go visit their Mary!
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