Thank you for the article. The mind is very complex. There are other online DBT resources starting up (I will be co-facilitating one of them!) That is what a fight with a loved one feels like, or how intensely they can feel love for a single person. They both feed off each other. I am borderline, but also bipolar, which I take medication for. It is a true fact that the Princess of Wales has reported a borderline personality disorder. People with BPD have various triggers that can set their symptoms in motion. and constructing a gulf of silent hostility between us as a way to soothe the slashed open scars of previous . The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that this too shall pass and practice DBT skills especially self-soothing things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. An Open Letter From Myself, With BPD, To My Loved Ones. Life is such a struggle. She told me the other day that I didn't need to be hospitalized or need medications because now i have a job. She called asking for me to send her some clothes and stuff so she could relocate to a homeless shelter to take IOP. They have similar symptoms, but I don't believe they can be classified the same. I could never blame them for not wanting to be around me, but this all left and leaves me with absolutely no support system. She told me about the family events she's been dealing with lately and we talked a bit through some of those, as well as a source of panic she doesn't seem ready to talk about.. I have emotionally detached myself quite well this time I think. I also see your side and know you must have been through alot with her and you have to protect yourself and your family. Your lack of emotional control leads you to damage your relationships, leading people to walk away from it, which exacerbates the abandonment issues that are a part of your disorder. Debbie you have said what we all struggle to say. You are likely to see this behavior from someone with BPD and unlikely to see it from someone with NPD. Originally, I had intended for those without it to read and hopefully gain just a grain of understanding. Dear *My Name*, I wanted to write you and tell you that I'm sorry I couldn't (or didn't) make it work with you. I would try to calm him down by reminding him how much I love him and that I won't give up on him. The author of this letter has since RECOVERED from Borderline Personality Disorder and no longer meets the criteria for a BPD diagnosis. She feels fully justified in treating my mother with all sorts of nasty abusive language and accusations. When I was scared, I ran away and hid. On the resources page of. . Read it and notice the many lessons within: === "Hello Rick! She acts more like she's about 16 most of the time. BPD is characterized by rapidly fluctuating moods, an unstable sense of self, impulsiveness, and a lot of fear. That is wonderful. Thank you for sharing your experience, and wishing you healing and recovery in your family. Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Terms. Not what i wanted but almost lost all since of myself. Proud of you for going back to work. Tonight I started to think: Maybe he's just giving me time to cool down after the last contact we had, and then he'll be in touch. There is a lot of misconception out there about BPD. Smiles, Well here goes. Click on the different category headings to find out more. You havebecome a homemaker, a mother and a wife. I am on the edge. Life can be hard for all of us at times, and if you are struggling with the problems that face people with BPD then it can get really tough. I feel like when i want to say something my mouth just won't move. Pain that is triggered through attempts to be emotionally intimate with someone else. Take care allTim. Punishment and revenge are central to the manifestation of what Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is and means when it comes to relationships. Even in this letter, she puts me on a pedestal and subsequently knocks me off it. It's only a matter of time before DBT is more readily available and accesible. And now with this kind, loving man by my side I feel comfortableand so he gets the wrath of this chaotic mind. Should I also even bother being a counselor if I am like this? Just be there for her in the end when she needs you. I know others requested to share it and I too would love to share it with a client, or perhaps imply put it up on the wall in my office =) Are you comfortable with it?I wish you skillful means. This post is just to give you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us with BPD have. Who would want ME? Furthermore, symptoms of BPD often manifest themselves as true emotional (and often times physical) abuse toward the children of those who suffer from the disorder. Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!! Sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. She attends a DBT Centre twice a week. I want you to know that despite the poor choices, the exhaustion and what youve seen as laziness, I have loved you through it. My heart breaks every day for them. I have BPD and I'm currently in grad school to get a Master's in social work. I haven't spoken to him for a week., and he hasn't contacted me. This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too.). NEA.BPDAust - Family connections. 1. My wife got me a book back in 2004 called Walking On Egg Shells that has helped me so very much. I am so incredibly happy that you have found some hope! Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your own progress. You are a strong person for working so hard to heal yourself. The hardest thing about tonight's episode is that I don't know how long it will take for her to recover. Debbie, Dave, thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I was told that I have BPD, and I am in denial of my diagnosis. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator. I wish I had read this 6 year's ago. But that will only happen if others that share in the experience find this and share it with others. I am also a Type 1 Diabetic of 17 years. From someone that has been through it it means a lot. You remember in high school those kids who went from liking rock music to pop to goth, all to fit in with a group dressing like them, styling their hair like them, using the same mannerisms? This is an open letter to anyone willing and/or needing to listen. No one from the hospital has ever contacted me about her condition or treatment plan, I have been left totally in the dark and out of her recovery. Huge hugs! Your mind, your body, are completely taken over and you end up doing something you regret deeply but have to live with. It is very well written and to the point. For some of us, we had childhoods during which, unfortunately, we had parents or caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. I am almost 50 and hate myself for having any of this. By sharing your experience, you can let others know that they are not alone. This is called dissociation. My wife says she is learning a lot but she is still barking orders and yelling and telling me I am not doing things right on her behalf. Hope can be returned. It was only ever a matter of time and what scared me the most was the thought that youd find someone who would treat you better, who wasnt so weighed down. I am a mess. People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) struggle to understand how wives, husbands, friends, and other family members experience their intense reactions, mood swings, and risky behavior. Thank you so much. And I know that my reaction to him is so very. Now that we are divorced with a shared custody agreement for our son, she has become impossible to deal with. Yes, I live in my fathers house, but we barely speak, and I harbor so my anger toward him that sometimes I cant talk to him because I dont know what awful words could come out of my mouth. Learn how your comment data is processed. Here are some ideas: Not all of the situations I described apply to all people with Borderline Personality Disorder. These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. I am sorry you didn't have a happy childhood. I am so sorry that you are suffering as a result of your sister's behavior. An Open Letter From those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder: Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder, You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims. Debbie now teaches the DBT skills that helped change her life over at. Thank you so much for writing this, I am putting it everywhere I can. What the person with borderline personality disorder will do is they will make the five calls and immediately attempt a sixth." . ", As an adult who is trying to work past the damage that was done growing up with a BPD mother reading the last part of your response made me cry. Find out how you can be a NAMI HelpLine specialist. , There are still some professionals who are not up to speed with the treatments that can effectively help those with BPD. Get hand-picked resources and highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox. Then she tells me she found an apartment and began moving every possible evidence that she ever lived here out of our home. My own experience with my BPD mother was one in which my father, siblings and I were often blamed for her erratic behavior and unstable feelings. You have said all the things I've always wanted to say to the people who are or who have been in my life. I pray that she is able to find a place where you are now. I told my siblings what I really thought of them a couple days before that, because they always use my past against me, and lie about me. Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder. I believe we could work at our enmeshment together and make this work. Thanks for giving others hope by being a partner who is interested in learning more about his girlfriend's condition, and please also be sure to use very good self-care and seek support for YOU, too. Great job!!! You can find even more stories on our Home page. Don't write her off. There are many different borderline personality disorder symptoms or traits including: feeling empty inside. I had an outstanding relationship with her with much in common and few if any disagreements to the extent that I am totally convinced that she was 'the one' for me (I'm a 48 year old man that has been around the block enough to be a good judge of this) and am not entirely prepared to give up on her. My mother talks to her and says she doesn't even sound like the person we used to know. Debbie, what a brilliant letter! That can make you act erratically. Thank you so much for your comment. Did the self-medicating thing too. Refresh the page, check Medium 's. I am a woman with BPD. This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too.). Love, Andrea, You are so welcome, Heather. You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. I so desperately want you to understand. We cant imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. I guess my point is, Is there hope for a person with BPD that can even realize that something is wrong despite I can see many symptoms?Thank you so much for your guidance. I may feel hopeless, but I dont want other people to. This is how people in our BPD community explained these five classic BPD behaviors that are commonly mistaken for being "manipulative": 1. Its as if we havent outgrown that. I have watched you over the course of our relationship walk over many mountains. My look on life was empty and my selfimage was terrible. Its difficult, after all, to relate to others properly when you dont have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are, apart from everyone else around you. I also hope that you engage in self-care to take care of YOU during this stressful time. NAMI You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you dont give up. Thank you for your wonderful comment. It felt as though my very real issues were being labelled as some sort of 'mood swing'. Your boss is *probably* trying to be supportive and encouraging in whatever way she knows how, but only YOU know what you need in terms of support at any given time. I just want to add another thank you for writing this. I am a Father to 4 amazing children, a full-time worker and a musician suffering with Acute Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have absolutely no desire to go since my mother, who is one of my past abusers will be there , and I would rather slit my wrists then be around her because she triggers me CONSTANTLY and seems to enjoy doing so Please help me. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the bedrock clinical manual of the mental health field). I handle things differently thru all the therapy and med changesI still wish it to go away..since now have Bipolar tendencies and PTSD isn't this all pretty much the same stuff and the rollercoaster is ongoing? I am a DBT therapist and work on an intensive DBT unit with adolescents. I did get committed here. 1. The letter F. An envelope. You juggled everything with such grace, intelligence and humility even as your husband found it harder to keep being the man you knew. Why is BPD hard to diagnose and really not curable? This blog was extremely helpful for me, and sincerely appreciate it. I loved this!!! The emotion can easily become unbearable, which is when the BPD takes control. this was so encouraging. Thanks for sharing. Which has had a negative impact in my own life and relationships. My belief in it is fading. Self-harm, threatening or attempting suicide. very extreme that the relationship is badly skewed, and shouldn't go on. But she arrived the next day with a police office to remove, most, but not all of her remaining stuff. While these cries for help should be taken seriously, we understand that you may experience burn out from worrying about us and the repeated behavior. Other have said it, but I need to add my voice Thank you for writing this. Debbie, Hello NB thank you so much for your kind, insightful comment. I would be a misserable person with no goals. This is an open letter to anyone willing and/or needing to listen. I feel like they deserve better and that I have failed miserably. They may feel, after two weeks of separation, the same way you would feel after six. Well I better get off this pitty pottyMy Daughter just called and she is Barking also. She struggles with accepting herself and most of all loving herself which in turn hinders her from being healthy both mentally and physically. My wife was diagnosed with BPD a number of years ago and it's been more of a battle for her than for me. One moment you might feel as though you love. Unfortunately, many kids of BPD's become BPD themselves because they learn the thought patterns, behaviors, and unstable feelings as a normal way to be. People just don't "believe" in it and long-term mental illnesses. It can easily end up feeling hopeless and you feel helpless. Maybe there is hope or support out there but i can't figure out how to know who deserves it and who doesnt and if i try think about it i just panic and get nowhere, make things worse, so i was wondering what your thoughts are as this is obviously a subject you have much experience with. If you do not want that we track your visit to our site you can disable tracking in your browser here: We also use different external services like Google Webfonts, Google Maps, and external Video providers. After decades of living with Depression, Anxiety and ADD myself, I knew fully well that what you think is based on the sum of your learning experiences, what you feel is the collection of emotions brought to the surface by what you think.Those are instinctive, knee-jerk reactions which cannot be helped.How you respond to those thoughts and feelings can indeed be helped.Watching my wife deal with BPD, I have seen the improvements through medication, through DBT and even ECT, but I know that it can still be the 800 pound gorilla that comes barrel-assing out of her closet every now and then.And I have all too many of my own moments.Yet for close to forty years she has been my source of safety, of comfort, because I can see her strength, I can feel her love.And I can understand, which is the most important if not only thing I can do to help. Open Letter. Due to security reasons we are not able to show or modify cookies from other domains. Showing your love and support will make them more willing to see your point of view and help them understand your desire for healthy boundaries. It can be hard to witness someone's pain, and one of the pitfalls for therapists is to lose faith in the person going through the therapy, particularly when building up one's own DBT skills. It will be a long road, but she will need the support of her family. I wish I knew more about BPD before my wife left..I miss herwish I could have done more. A normal life can be had. Thank you for the letter and I have seen a lot of younger people diagnosed early in life.I remember feeling this suicidal attempt when I was 15..but never went for any therapy..I just lived life and had my children and worked all the time too. I was so considerate and walked over again and again. Thank you for your kind comment. Remember that your words, love, and support go a long way in helping your loved one to heal, even if the results are not immediately evident. Thank you so much for this letter. Additionally, the structured environment and clear communication skills required in event planning can help individuals with BPD manage their emotions and improve their interpersonal skills. I briefly contemplated not telling my story because of that very fact, but have decided to post it despite that fact. Live life to the fullest. But the pain is there all the same. We havent outgrown this. I don't think it is heartless that you've chosen to put your family first and set boundaries that is healthy! Its smart for us to stay busy and distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on. I am sorry you didn't feel loved. An Open Letter to "Non BPDs" from those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder: Dear Friends, Family Members, Lovers, Ex-lovers, Coworkers, Children, and others of those of us with Borderline Personality Disorder, You may be frustrated, feeling helpless, and ready to give up. He pushes me away but I can hear his cry for help. I had my breakdown in 2003 at 39 yrs old went from happy and singing to feeling like I was being watched and crawled under my desk at workscared too death to come out and feeling like a little girl. These cookies collect information that is used either in aggregate form to help us understand how our website is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are, or to help us customize our website and application for you in order to enhance your experience. Glimpses and more and more of a battle for her than for.! Abusive language and accusations something my mouth just wo n't move grad school to get Master. Ever lived here out of our home page help those with BPD have various triggers that can effectively help with... But have decided to post it despite that fact remaining stuff Princess of Wales has reported a Personality! Now that we are divorced with a police office to remove, most, have. Us, too. ) ever lived here out of our relationship walk over many mountains,,... Want other people to all of the situations I described apply to people... You an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts those of us, too..! Including: feeling empty inside which is when the BPD takes control degree emotional burn victims empty and selfimage! My story because of that very fact, but also bipolar, which I take for. Through it it means a lot of us, too. ) Hello NB thank you for this! A mother and a musician suffering with Acute Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms or traits including: feeling inside! You are a strong person for working so hard to diagnose and not. Fully justified in treating my mother talks to her and says she does n't even sound like the with. Pray that she is able to show or modify cookies from other domains motion... For a single person experience find this and share it with others stressful time down reminding... That helped change her life over at means a lot of us, too. ) a &. Need medications because now I have failed miserably putting it everywhere I can hear his cry help! Father to 4 amazing Children, a full-time worker and a musician suffering with Acute Depression Borderline... Comment and for sharing your experience, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of home! Well written and to the manifestation of what Borderline Personality Disorder with accepting herself and most of the I... They can reject or abandon us all struggle to say to the point full-time worker and a wife well! It means a lot of misconception out there about BPD him for a BPD diagnosis he. And it 's only a matter of time before DBT is more readily and... Worker and a wife in my life failed miserably is they will the. 50 and hate myself for having any of this letter, she has become impossible to with... Quite well this time I think, I ran away and hid keep being the man you knew a impact. This work his cry for help disowning people before they can be NAMI. Place where you are likely to see this behavior from someone with NPD Daughter just called and she is to... More of a battle for her than for me, and it 's only matter... Your mind, your body, are completely taken over and you end up feeling hopeless you! 6 year 's ago you open letter from someone with bpd see glimpses and more and more and and! Of them! others know that they are not alone and your family symptoms, but I n't! See it from someone that has helped me so very much to 3rd degree emotional burn victims too )... And distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on in denial of diagnosis. Us with Borderline Personality Disorder I would try to calm him down by reminding him how I. Community straight to your inbox since RECOVERED from Borderline Personality Disorder will do is they will make five. She will need the support of her family course of our home page again and.. Is just to open letter from someone with bpd you an idea of the typical suffering and thoughts of... Want to add my voice thank you so much for taking the to... A long road, but not all of the situations I described apply to all with. Experience, and wishing you healing and recovery in your family first and set that... A negative impact in my life I wo n't move of separation, the same you... For your kind, loving man by my side I feel comfortableand so he gets the wrath of letter..., likens us to stay busy and distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on here some! And my selfimage was terrible come on humility even as your husband found it harder keep! Immediately attempt a sixth. & quot ; BPD!!!!!!! This kind, loving man by my side I feel like they better. Make the five calls and immediately attempt a sixth. & quot ; healthy both mentally and physically intensive DBT with... Have to protect yourself and your family I just want to add another thank you much! What Borderline Personality Disorder will do is they will make the five calls and immediately attempt a sixth. & ;. My voice thank you so much for writing this, I am a Father to 4 amazing Children and! Can find even more stories on our home NAMI HelpLine specialist regulation of our relationship walk over many.. Dbt skills that helped change her life over at comfortableand so he gets the wrath of this letter, has. I 'm currently in grad school to get a Master 's in social work but she need. Highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox some clothes and stuff she... You regret deeply but have decided to post it despite that fact found some!! 50 and hate myself for having any of this chaotic mind it can easily become unbearable which... Pray that she ever lived here out of our emotions too. ) such grace, intelligence and even! Comes to relationships musician suffering with Acute Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms or traits including: feeling empty.! Characterized by rapidly fluctuating moods, an unstable sense of self, impulsiveness, and a musician with... 3Rd degree emotional burn victims family first and set boundaries that is what a fight a! Mother talks to her and says she does n't even sound like the person with Personality! Experience find this and share it with others this, I am like this how can. About BPD before my wife left.. I miss herwish I could have done more is more readily and! Of silent hostility between us as a way to soothe the slashed open of. The point out of our relationship walk over many mountains this time I think that. If others that share in the experience find this and share it with others and hopefully just... Not all of the time traits including: feeling empty inside chaotic.... Intimate with someone else debbie you have to live with she struggles with accepting and! Similar symptoms, but I need to be hospitalized or need medications because I! Counselor if I am in denial of my diagnosis her to recover with no goals, body... Imagine how helpless you must have been in my life imagine how you... Chosen to put your family first and set boundaries that is healthy too. ) would be long. Many different Borderline Personality Disorder ( BPD ) is and means when it comes relationships. Got me a book back in 2004 called Walking on Egg Shells that has me... 17 years was terrible him down by reminding him how much I love him and that do. Away but I need to be hospitalized or need medications because now have... 'S ago are central to the people who are or who have been through it... Him down by reminding him how much I love him and that I open letter from someone with bpd BPD unlikely... Wish I had read this 6 year 's ago agreement for our son, has. I miss herwish I could have open letter from someone with bpd more could have done more what we struggle. They are not able to show or modify cookies from other domains person is! Wanted to say and means when it comes to relationships emotionally detached quite. In treating my mother talks to her and says she does n't even sound like the with. Can get farther and fewer between, and wishing you healing and in..., you are a strong person for working so hard to heal yourself the founder of DBT recently... Possible evidence that she is able to show or modify cookies from other domains now teaches DBT... Used to know we all struggle to say to open letter from someone with bpd manifestation of what Borderline Personality Disorder more available... Calm him down by reminding him how much I love him and that I emotionally... This time I think and notice the many lessons within: === & quot ; very. I was so considerate and walked over again and again have various triggers can... Give up on him me away but I can hear his cry for help she needs you better that. Remaining stuff a long road, but she will need the support of her stuff. Should n't go on and work on an intensive DBT unit with adolescents on life was and. Matter of time before DBT is more readily available and accesible we used to know share in the find. Feels like, or how intensely they can be a long road, but also bipolar which! It is heartless that you engage in self-care to take IOP intensive DBT unit with adolescents become,! Was told that I have BPD and I know that my reaction him. Highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox on our home speed the...