So the piano player starts to play. So dysfunctional, it defies description. Ooh, ooh, ooh! O'Malley:Well, now, wait a minute. This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors Birds of a feathermust [ Hic ] together. A slip of the handand it's off to dreamland. I'm the leader. [Reading]"Prime Country Goose a la Provencal. " Now, Marie's the caboose. What happenedto your lovely tail feathers? [chuckling] Just like you say, Thomas. I'll get flat feet. What made them think that this this was entertaining? That's how Otto Peterson: My son comes out, I shoot him in the head, and then I F*** the bullet hole! He says, "What do you do?" Edgar Balthazar:You came back? A family walks in to a talent agency. Roquefort:Duchess! And certainly no one can do this betterthan my faithful servant, Edgar. And it's gonna stop for passengersrighthere. Where's my hat? For the aristocrats, the wholesome tv dad dreamt up one of the most depraved setups ever for one killer punchline. Oh, it just isn't fair! ln trouble! Everything is going to be all right. Scat Cat: [ Trumpet Blaring ][ Laughing ]Well, looky here. Winnie the Pooh! Amelia: Now, ah, listen to our idea, you stand here, dear. Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. And so, you see,we can't leave her alone. Marie:[offscreen]Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey! I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. I remember that Ifainted. O'Malley: Well, uh, you seeI-l'm not exactlyher husband. Mark Elliott: "Toy Story", the newest Disney sensation on video. Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette In addition to detailing the history of the joke,. Oh! This joke may contain profanity. Oh, perish the thought. 1 of 3 The Artistocrats Show More Show Less 2 of 3 Co-creator Penn Jillette arrives at the premiere of the film "The Aristocrats", Tuesday, July 26, 2005, in New York. What made them think this was entertaining! [As the black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video logo appears, the "Winnie the Pooh" theme cues up. Neighborhood! [Shrieking] What's going on?! Which pets are blessed withthe fairest forms and faces? "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians since the vaudeville era. Brian Cummings: It's loads of fun, there's jamming and playing with lots of new friends. I'll be right back, y'all. And your music is so--so different,so exciting. Berlioz? It's awful and some blood starts dripping down her leg. Well, uh--Well, all it needsis a little tidying upand, well,maybe aIittle feminine touch. Bill Maher: It's a family act, but it's a twist because they're retarded. Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. The Magic Oracle: Follow the trail of the Forty Thieves. Abigail: A roue. Georges Hautecourt:Very well. I almost fell. And then my daughter comes on stage. Duchess:Berlioz, come back here. WebThe Aristocrats, a documentary by magician/comic Penn Gillette and comedian Paul Provenza, follows the genesis of "the filthiest joke ever told." Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. Wish me luck. Bonsoir! [Growling]. WebWatch more:Gilbert Gottfried solves a murder mystery at Disney World: https://youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet Turtle: Release date Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughs]Oh, Georges! In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! Carole Jeghers: There's never been a better time to make the dream come true. Toulouse, where are you? Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? Edgar was in it. And bring back f***ing major world leaders of the past 60 years, like Hitler. Napoleon: It's squeaky shoesapproachin', man. WebThe joke itself is very simple. Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. Where are you? O'Malley: Well, now, uh--What I meant-- You see, l--. We're on our way to Paris. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3" features five brand-new songs and reunites all your favorite characters from "Aladdin". Huh? But I was so surethat I heard them. Mysterious Cat-napperAbducts Family of Cats." I hit her with an ax handle, burn her c*nt with a curling iron, put a fish hook through my cock, f*** her, kill her, and take a sh*t on her dead body! Abigail: Oh, how horribly nice! Now I'll never get my hat Plan B. Napoleon: Ooh, whoo, heh. I, me, after-- No. It begins, traditionally, with a family that auditions for a talent agency. My own penthouse pad. I'm the one that sayswhen we go. [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. [Quasimodo splashes water on his face as the screen brightens]. Sounds like a gangof swinging hep cats. Well. (oc) the agent says, holy fuck, not you asshats again. Buzz Lightyear: Hey! [offscreen]They're gone. Why? Roquefort:Hey, wait for me! O'Malley: You know something? Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves"! She's a real sexy nine-year-old. It's a motorcycle. It's like a hemorrhaging sh*t-ass. Clopin: Up there, high, high in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer. "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". Duchess? Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Oh! Marie: And Marie. Napoleon: No, no. Edgar Balthazar:Duchess,wherever have you been? I thought he'd never leave! Thank goodness you're safe! O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. Look at this! You knowthe kids are bushed. [Hiccupping]Look. And Ann suggests that they all go into the drawing room, where Ann then braids Betsy's beautiful blonde hair. Phoebus: She's very lucky to have a friend like you. [We transition to the Sega Genesis version of the level, "Really Inside the Claw Machine", where Woody's game play is in first-person mode] It's "the most amazing 16-bit game ever made". Edgar Balthazar: Careful, sir. O'Malley: Are you sure we'reon the right street where you live? Amelia: Oh, yes, I thinkwe'd better be going. dvdsuper1. Genie Chorus: [singing] There's a festival in Agrabah! You have The aristocrats is a terminal movie. You know, your country chateau? And the agent's like, "What do you do?" Roquefort:Oh, now, wait a minute,fellas. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Thank you. It's just, "Here we go folks.". Berlioz:We were just practicingbiting and clawing. [offscreen]Gethim, get him, get him, get him! Roquefort: [Whispering]So he's the cat-napper! It was a little oldcricket bug. [Smacking Lips]Delicious! For other uses, see, "Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes", "Diving Deep Into the Dirtiest Joke Ever in 'The Aristocrats', "After a 9/11 Joke Bombed, Gilbert Gottfried Told the Dirtiest Joke in Comedy", https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=The_Aristocrats&oldid=1135068379, Short description is different from Wikidata, Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License 3.0, This page was last edited on 22 January 2023, at 12:47. Gottfried claimed he was unable to get a direct flight, because "they had to make a stop at the Empire State Building." Have you seen Gallagher? I don't understand why he would say that. Genghis Kahn, for god sakes. [The screen fades to black on the final note of the song, then in the black background, we see yellow subtitles reading "Coming to Theaters June 21st"] Coming to theaters June 21st! (2x) But I think we shouldget on with the will. We need a man around the house. Come on. Now don't be frightened. [Huffing]. Yeah. Oh, no. Gilbert Gottfried - Aristocrats Joke. O'Malley:Yeah, honey. Waving a scythe, Edgar chases O'Malley up a ladder. [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. Jon Stewart: Um Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down. [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? Edgar Balthazar: Whoa, Frou-Frou, whoa. I havea cracker with me. You're comin' on. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. To my cats. All aboard for Paris! Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. He's been hereall the time. Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? Abigail: [offscreen]Fancy that, a cat learning how to swim. Quotes.net. Aufwiedersehen. I-l mean, eat--Eat well, of course. Yes. Look out for Edgar! Esmeralda: Well, you're not hurt, are you? Mark Elliott: "Muppet Treasure Island". Art treasures,jewels and--. WebThe Aristocrats "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up Copyright 2023 Penske Business Media, LLC. the father shakes his head, no, no. [Screaming][Coughing]. Duchess: Oh, no! Edgar Balthazar: Cats inherit first! She loves us very much. I do believeyou've been drinking. Mark Elliott: And everyone's favorite characters. "Stuffed with chestnuts"? I've only got one. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]Yes, Georges. Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. Edgar Balthazar: What the?! Thief #2: [singing] Pull up an easy chair! Afraid,I guessyou know best,and I'm gonnamiss you, baby. Uncle Waldo: [Laughter]Now, now, now, now. Napoleon: Hush your mouth! He's got a very huge wiener. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" They're old buddiesand they're real swingers. Buzz's suit glows a bright green light]. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Edgar opens the door. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". He could be a longshoreman. Genie: [sings] They're eventually getting married! O'Malley: Aloha. Lil' Rush Doug Stanhope: So it's finally just a whole prolapsed rectum. Abigail:We're not chickens. He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. Let's getout of here. [ Grunting ]Go away! A proper joke seldom fits the format and atmosphere of stand-up comedy, and jokes end as soon as the audience knows the punchline. Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? His chin isvery weak too. The percussionist - I love that word, "percussionist" - is going to put his triangle, put it in front of my triangle, and "Clang-a-Lang-a-Lang Went the Trolley," just the way Momma sang it, and then, I'm gonna take the banger to the triangle and cling-a-lang it until my clitoris swells up into a large Macy's Day Parade balloon, and I'm gonna take it and stretch it out and I'm going to wrap it around the microphone cord and fling it over my shoulder the way Mommy used to do. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips of "Aladdin" and "Aladdin 2" are shown]. They're gone! Ooh, it's them shoes again. Marie: I'll show youif I'm a lady or not. Last oneup the stairs is a nincompoop. Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. I'm frightfully sorry, sir! Woody: [Shakes Buzz's head] You're a toy! Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. Duchess: Oh, and I'mso very glad we didthis morning. Let's rock the joint! Whee! I'm not at home at all. They're the one's who rescued you from drowning. (The gargoyles burst their heads out from three sides of a window). I'll bet you're a real tigerin your neighborhood. [Humming"Rock-A-Bye-Baby"]Oops! Ow! Mark Elliott: And take part in the wedding of the century. I only wish that l--. And what they do is they get on a pile of dead dungs and they f*** each other and then they have a big closing where they fist-f*** an autistic preteen. A little lowerand faster there, buddy. It says here. Toulouse: Why didn't I answer? WebThe Aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Toulouse: Is there anything we can do tohelp you,Mr. O'Malley, huh? Duchess:Oh, thank you so muchfor offering us your home. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. 0:55. He bit my finger! To which pets do the otherstip their hats? You know. Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. ". Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents an all-new animated motion picture event. Roquefort:[ Panting ] Mr.O'Malley, I've heard your name. Back off, girls. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. I'll take careof you later. My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80! [Screen flashes on the last note of the music, but the white screen fades to the title in front of a black background]. Abigail: And look at his crooked smile. The kid starts spinning around in a circle cause he can't control it. What's all the whis--whispering about, huh? Oh! Uncle Waldo: Girls, it's outrageous! There'sa surprise for you. How did they develop this act? Oops! A family walks in to Born in April of 1811, he was the I mean, oh, each cat will liveabout 12 years. Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. Are you all right? Web Aristocrats couldnt be done now, Saget reflected in 2018, adding that when he did the performance he had only heard the joke twice. Look, Frou-Frou. Duchess: Le Petit Cafe? Duchess:[offscreen]And they are very fond of you. Buzz Lightyear: To infinity. Mark Elliott: Coming to video. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. Edgar Balthazar:Coming, Madame! Marie: Mama,l guess I had a nightmareand fell out of bed. The shift in editing over to pages for the movies, characters, actors, directors, composers, crew and galleries is now fully in effect. Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. Edgar Balthazar: Alright: The coast is clear. [ Forced Chuckle ]Every time. And I'm not a man either. You know, this isthe low-rent district, remember? I'm outta here! It wasn't a dream, was it? O'Malley: Hey there, bud! You know. Alright? Mark Elliott: Discovering the magic [Esmeralda disappears in a cloud of smoke after blowing her nose] .within himself. Toulouse: Good idea, mama. Go on! Which pets know bestall the gentle social graces? It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001. https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_144090, https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_quotes_144090. You ready? Billy: After I went to a haunted mansion, I traveled into the future, and hung out with famous movie stars, and then I was attacked by aliens, got caught in a tidal wave and went all the road to China! I had the most horribledream about them. Hiya, chicks. Berlioz:[offscreen]Aw, shut up, Toulouse. Edgar Balthazar: Madame, uh-- May I takeyour parcel, Madame? Aristocrats Joke Text. Because you're probably saying, if you have any sense of human decency, "Well, why didn't he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants!" Oh, my gracious! There's no legal system at all in play in a joke. Prev Ho, ho, ho! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: So good to see you, Georges. Mangy tramps! Edgar Balthazar: Morning, Frou-Frou,my pretty steed. Toulouse:[offscreen]I told ya it was Edgar. The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. How did they develop this act! Duchess! Where did these people find employment! Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! And that was my vacation. In the South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop. Milkman: Sacrebleu! O'Malley: Of course not. O'Malley: I'm all right,Duchess,honey. The Aristocrats Joke Script. [Clears Throat,Muttering]Aha. But right now it's time we concerned ourselveswith self-improvement. I ain't done nothin'. WebThe Aristocrats" is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up comedians and dates back to the vaudeville era. Choo-choo-choo-choo,choo-choo-choo-choo. Nothin'. Nice doggy! If I said "magic carpet," okay? Because no one is gonna book this show! Hey, Lafayette. We must both lookour best for Georges when he gets here. Berlioz:[offscreen]He's sure glad to see us. Poor Madame. We British liketo keep things proper. Whoo-whoo! If I picked a day to fly, oh, this would be it. Berlioz: Thank you, Miss Frou-Frou,for letting me ride on your back. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:That's exactlywhat they are, Georges. [offscreen]Hey! O'Malley: Oh! And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. Lafayette:This sure beats runnin', Napoleon. Scat Cat: Likewise, Duchess. And he's like, "It's not a f***in' prop act, is it?". You've got it! Hurry, hurry! Backtrack a little. You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? He's our oldest anddearest friend, you know. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offscreen]Edgar! Toulouse: But you know what? O'Malley: Well, of course. Brian Cummings: Plus singing and swinging with the frogs. ", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". Duchess: [offscreen] It's time to practiceyour scales and your arpeggios. Scat Cat: [to the others]I don't dig him. This is the second theatrical appearance of South Park. Duchess: Oh. O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! Look, Georges. Subscribe for more terrible shit! This joke was met with boos and jeers of "too soon." Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. [ Hiccups ]. Short no. [We cut to Robin Williams in the recording booth]. Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? [Squeaking][Clattering] Oh! In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. [Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. When they're seenupon an airing. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. That was something. What a classyneighborhood. Get out! Why, your eyes are like sapphires,sparkling so bright. I guess youcan't win 'em all. Toulouse: Gee whiz! And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. Mm. Right off your cuff. Let's play train. Whoo-whoo! Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. Scratch one butler. [Engine Starting,Backfiiring][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Backfiring Continues] [Gasping] The police station! Hold on, Kyle. Edgar Balthazar: [singing] Rock-a-bye, kittiesBye-bye you goLa la la laand I'm in the dough [spoken]Oh, Edgar,you sly old fox! Roquefort:[ Breathing Hard ]No trouble, he said. July 28, 20058:25 PM. Get her! You've just rescued Thomas, right? Alright? O'Malley: [ Chuckles ]Keep your whiskers up, Toulouse Ol'Tiger. YeahAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat's rightAnd I'm very proud of that (Spoken)Yeah! O'Malley: Look, baby, it's late, okay? O'Malley: [Gasping] Help? Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. Coming soon to video! Napoleon: And whoever it isis gonna get it and get it good. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: I've asked you to come hereona very importantlegal matter. Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. And he says, "The Osbournes.". Let's move, move, move! I got a million of 'em. Then we see a picture of Walt Disney]. Ooh! Wait for me! Because the objective of the joke is its transgressive content, it is most often told privately,[5] such as by comedians to other comedians. [The movie logo appears one last time] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". The 100 Best Albums of 2022, But thats a whole other story, he deadpanned. They're Oxford shoes. But that's a whole other story. Maybe you fellon your head. It probes the darkest, sickest places of the comedian. Very good. Scram! Hugo: Pour the wine and (farts with his armpit 3 times) cut the cheese! Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. Sleep well. Old picklepuss Edgar! Duchess: Over here, darling. Duchess: Oh, I'll be so gladwhen we get back home. The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Cartman: You guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me? Le Petit Caf Chef: Sacrebleu! Splendid, madame! Because with usshe never felt alone. Maybe it would come out right now as an Quasimodo: Good morning. This-- Well, this mansion? (2x). Toulouse,Marie, where are you? Berlioz: [sighs] It's really hard to pronounce your name, man. Don't be frightened. SUBTITULOS ESPAOL But I don't remember what was so "bad." Cheer up. Look, pal, [offscreen]you go get Scat Catand his gang of alley cats. Georges Hautecourt: Now, then, madame, who arethe beneficiaries? Everyone can have nightmares sometimes. O'Malley: No, no, no, baby. (2x)[Coughing]Hey! He then describes a Hieronymus Boschlike tableau of torture. Beautiful. I simply wantto make my will. Another cat slides a hook under the harness. She will be so worriedwhen she finds us gone. Lewis Black: That's, that's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network. Brainless lunatic! That seems to make the whole joke. BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A Isn't she, Duchess? Let's be nice to our new friends. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. The Aristocrats. WebThe Aristocrats is a terminal movie. You are most fortunatewe happened along. He could have arms like Popeye. Next And since it is a kids joke, i highly doubt it is a nonsensical joke (e.g. [offscreen]His eyes are too close together. Come on. How are you doing that? Lafayette: Napoleon, I'm plumbgoose-pimply scared! Sounds like Scat Cat andhis gang have dropped by. And those eyes of yours. Who do you want me to sue, eh? I was asleep a winkall day. Roquefort:Oh, boy! Hop aboard the motorcycle. When you lift something it better be a cock. And I come after the cats. Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. Toulouse:Yeah. Duchess[offscreen]Well--Yes, my love,but you must be very quiet or I'll send you to bed. It relates the story of a family trying to
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